It has been awhile since I have written in the blog. I know this about myself, when life get very hard I don't really like to document it. Thus, the reason for the long absence.
Since January 1st I have been un (or under) employed. I have been able to keep the seasonal job I started in November, so I went from working 8-16 hours EVERYDAY since November to working about 16 hours a week. A bit of a shock to the system, and the pocketbook.
Another big shock, how not having a job is so emotionally draining. My self esteem has taken quite a beating, and the longer I am unemployed the worse I feel about myself. I know that I am more than what I do for a living, but the fear of not being able to pay bills is devastating. I am okay currently, but the fear of what is around the corner is scary. I tried to start a program with my mortgage company to help with the payment until I find a job, they are actually willing to work with me, but there are a lot of hoops to jump through. I am afraid I will be in foreclosure by the time all the requirements are met.
There are always times I miss Mom and Dad more then others, but to be honest this makes me so very homesick for them. I spend time crying because I miss them so much. When they were here, I knew they would always be there to help me. Financially if they could, but emotionally always. I just want to put my head on their shoulders and cry. When they passed away I knew my safety net was gone. I didn't know it would be less than 10 years before I would have been through cancer and job loss, feeling totally alone.
Totally alone is not fair. I have amazing friends and family. One friend took me to lunch and told me not to to argue, then handed me money and told me it was for emergencies. She then told me that she knew of a slush fund and I would not loose the house. Then she helped me come up with ideas of where to look for jobs. When she sees something she calls or sends me a message ASAP. I have had family members offer there homes if I end up selling this house. Everyone has been so loving and supportive. I am truly blessed.
I have begun attending the temple on days when I don't have classes, or job interviews. I am so thankful for that. It truly makes a difference. This experience has brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ. I am so thankful I can turn to them. There have been may times when I find myself pouring out my heart and just crying my eyes out. I know they understand and they are there to comfort and guide me.
I don't know when I will get a job, I don't know what will have to happen before then, I don't know if I will be in this house or somewhere else. But somethings I do know... I am blessed with the love of family and friends, and knowing I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and His Son my Savior, who has made it possible for me to make it though this and be able to return and live with him. For all that my heart is full of gratitude.
