Okay
so here it is...or here is what it may be. Cancer. There I said it.
How
did I get here? There is plenty that has happened, but maybe I will start
with the cough.
The
end of March the beginning of April, I got a bad cough, and was very tired, but
nothing to bad. One day I was doing who knows what, I noticed a lump at
the base of my neck, at the middle of my collarbone. I figured it was
just swollen from the cough, but knowing that Dad had thyroid cancer, is always
at the back of my mind. I kept checking that lump and it never went away.
Fast
forward to June 15, 2012. I decided to have it looked at, and as luck
would have it the Dr.'s office had an opening that day. So off I go to
the Dr. ... Surprise I had gained weight....again. Both the Dr and his Physician’s
Assistant could not feel anything. But, the Dr. decided that I should get
a CT Scan, and they got me an appointment for the following Monday (June 18th).
As
I fill out paperwork at the hospital and they ask me for a down payment of
$300+ I am cursing my hypochondria and seriously think about not doing it, but
I do it anyway. The scan only takes a few minutes, and with a Disc of the
scanned images and 2 bottles of water I head off to work and make it by 9:30,
trying not to think about the money I just threw away. Before noon I get
a call from the Dr.'s office saying the scan found a mass on my thyroid and
they were sending me to a specialist to have a biopsy.
Yup
- biopsy. Yuck, that sounds awful! I have an appointment with a new
Dr. on June 20th. I am terrified, I know I am pretty strong and can
handle a lot of pain, but watching someone come at my neck with needles, that
is just plain nasty. I looked up the Dr that would be doing it and to my
surprise I know this Dr. My appointment is with Dr. Davis, the former stake
president when I lived with Mom and Dad. A wave of peace came over me.
If I was going to survive, no do okay with someone coming at my neck with
needles this is the guy. He is so kind and gentle, this will be okay, oh
and Jodie is going with me to hold my hand if I need it.
I
ask Phil and Rod for a blessing. I don't really remember much of it, but
I remember Phil saying, you will return to full heath, and I am thinking wait
when was not in full health. Does that mean something?
June
20th is here. We are finally sitting in the office and the Dr. comes in.
He gives me a copy of the CT Scan findings and we begin to discuss what
is happening. I have a 3.0x3.2x4.8 cm complex mass on my thyroid.
This could mean lots of things. Least of which is my thyroid is not
working that well to worst case, thyroid cancer. Dr. Davis is very kind
as we go through all the things that could be wrong and all the things that I
can do. Cancer is mentioned but with very little likelihood. The
biopsy is also mentioned with little likelihood. We also discuss the
fact that Dad had thyroid cancer, and how that adds to the decision process.
Then we discuss insurance. Lovely insurance, now it is time to go
to a Dr. that practices in a hospital that my insurance covers.
Off
we go again. Monday June 25th. Jackie came with me this time.
Again we discuss what is happening, this time it's a bit different.
Dr. Gilbert has looked at the disc with the scan images and that seems to
have made all the difference. We talk about the immediate course of
action that can be taken. He mentions the word biopsy and panic sets in.
But following the word he says he doesn't see a need for it. So I
take a breath and we continue.
The
other word comes up...cancer, for a few moments there is no air in the
room, I can breath but am not sure if it is a good idea, I can't really think
right now. I have to slow things down so I can understand how we went
from very little likelihood to the thing we seem to be discussing as the most
likely scenario. Cancer seems to be the reality. That's about
all I understand. Cancer.
The
moment passed and I am breathing again. We are still talking, and I am
still here. So now I am really trying the best I can to understand what
we are talking about. Dr. Gilbert tells me the mass is large and embedded
in my thyroid and he will have to take the right half of it out, then while I
am out (that is important to me) they will biopsy that side if it comes
back with no cancer they will close me up and hope the rest of the thyroid will
function and /or I will be on medication the rest of my life. If
the biopsy comes back with cancer, they will take out the rest of the thyroid I
will be on medication the rest of my life, but with more complications. I
will have to get cancer check ups fairly often, for several years to forever.
Jackie asks about the kind of "therapy", really why is she
asking that, I think. The Dr. answers "radiation", oh, yes, we
are still taking cancer. It will be about 6 months before we a
start "therapy" aka radiation. It will be given in
iodine so it will only target the thyroid area. The down side is that
when I am doing "therapy" aka radiation I am actually
radioactive, and I can't be around people. Wait, I am quoting Gabbie,
"Ewww, I hate people", maybe I don't hate them as much as I thought.
Listen,
Listen...still cancer. Dr. Gilbert tells me he believes I need to prepare
for cancer. That is what it looks like to him. I know there is air,
because I am breathing.
Now
we are back to discussing the surgery, not cancer but all the other things that
could happen during surgery. Damaging vocal chords, (Hey - Ash was saying
she was gonna slip some $$ to the Dr to do that anyway, that is convenient)
nerve damage, any number of fun stuff, but not the cancer so I am okay.
He wants to check my vocal chords to insure they are in working condition.
It seems to mean he is sticking something down my throat. I am
getting nervous, it seems nasty, but with what has happened in this room the
last 20 minutes, this can't be that bad right? It's not fun and feels
like bad sinus pressure, then Dr Gilbert tells a joke....What is the difference
between broccoli and boogies? You have to pay kids to eat broccoli. How
am I supposed to laugh with this thing going down my nose and throat, but it is
funny, so I am laughing.
I
ask Dr. Gilbert about the lump I have felt, this is not the lump the CT scan
found, it's just a displaced gland. Just an odd displaced gland, I know
that can't be. This odd displaced gland is what got me in here. In
my heart I know that odd displaced gland is a sign from Heavenly Father.
I have no doubt that gland may have saved my life.
Jackie
and I go to the hospital to get some blood tests done, I guess shock is what is
happening. I feel like I need to tell people, but I don't know how to
tell them. I know we make some calls and texts, but not really sure Who
all we talked or what got said, just it got done and that by now I am feeling
okay. I know we have been talking cancer, but I don't really feel like it
affects me. That is odd huh?
When
we finish Jackie and I decide to go to eat, Jodie may meet us, but I don't
think so. Jackie and I are in separate cars so while I drive I make a
call. Jody, my Jody. I start to tell her what is happening and she
is just quietly listening. Talking to her I start to cry. Is it
just hitting me? No, I was in the room when the air disappeared.
But just talking to her, I can finally cry. We are at the restaurant,
and I am done crying. We go in sit down, Jodie calls and has Jackie order
a salad for her, and I am surprised I thought she wasn't coming. Jackie
said she just read her text and texted back "Shit". It's Monday
night, which means Jodie is missing "White Trash Night" with her
family, that is sacred time, oh crap, this is serious. But I don't feel
sad; scared, unsure, nervous, of course, but sad no, I am just not feeling in
right now.
