My Sweet Boy

I took my nephew and niece shopping for a birthday present for their mom.  He got a Willy Wonka DVD and she got a heart locket necklace.

When mom opened the DVD thye found it was one that they already had.  Soon he was in the other room crying.  I went to talk to him, he was heartbroken that he got something she already had.  He was worried that she was upset and how would he be able to have a present she didn't have.  He could not be consoled until we made a plan to exchange it.  So tonight we went to to store and exchanged the movie.  On the way home he wanted to wrap it and do heavy heavy again for this gift.  He just wanted Mom to be happy!  He is such a sweet boy.  I just love him!

"Memories"...sing with me... "Memories"

I remember being young and spending time every summer with my cousin Robyn at our Grandma's house in Murray.  We would go to church with Grandma and I remember she was always the primary chorister.  She was so good at it.  I remember even as a small child thinking "Wow, how does she do that. "  I knew zero about music (still don't).  It seemed amazing that someone in my family could do anything musical.  (I have since realized that there is lots of musical talent in my family, just not with me. )   I also remember thinking well that is one calling I am never gonna have.

Fast forward to today.  I have had the calling of primary chorister now 3 times, and was a permanent  substitute for about a year also.  This time it's been about 5 years.  You never really know what the Lord has in store.

The first time I was given this calling I remember thinking this is crazy they have the wrong person.  I can't do this, I don't know anything about music.  Now years and years later I still don't know much about music except that I love it.  I mess up all the time but this is one of my favorite callings.  I guess I am more like my grandma that I could have ever wished.  :)

Personal Milestone

I know it only matters to me but on October 15, 2012, I wore a necklace.  It is a little thing but it has scared me to put one on.  Since the thyroid surgery, everything bothers me, ruffles, material you name it and it seems to give me anxiety.

Sweet Mel and I were looking at necklaces over the weekend, and I just took a breath and put one on.  She was proud, but mentioned that I would have to let go of it.  I couldn't actually wear the necklace holding it up off me, Dang!

So wearing a necklace all day was a really big thing.  I felt a bit overwhelmed a few times, but I survived, and looked kind of cute....I think.

Yeah!

A few really sweet things have happened...

A few days ago I was at Phil and Jody's and Meg and I were outside, she got out the chalk and decided to do some sidewalk drawing.  She started drawing a figure and said, I am drawing your Mom.  Let's see she is not to big, she needs eyebrows and hair, hands.

She finishes with this sweet drawing and then she lets me take her picture with the drawing of my Mom, she makes sure she is holding her hand.

She made me a little misty eyed.  She just touched my heart when I really needed it.

A few days later, Alex said to me - I miss my great, great great grandpa.  He died before I was born.
I said I'll bet he did.
Then he added.. But I did meet his wife, she held me when I was a brand new baby...Right Cindy.
I asked him how he looked at her and my boy gave me a big eyed grin.

I realized he he was talking about my folks.  He has a few to many Greats in there, but he described the time right after he came home from the hospital, and it was a few weeks before Mom died.  I realize it was a story I have told him about him and Mom, but the fact he was talking about my Dad and my Mom was so heart warming.

I don't know if the folks are so close that the kids can feel them.  Or if I am seeing more in things now, but these have really helped me feel their love.



I have also been having less sweet things happening.

I have been feeling OBSESSED about getting my advanced medical directive finished before the procedure.  I have read it and decided about how I want to fill it out.  I have even talked to the the people I want making decisions if I can't.  I don't know why this has become so important but I have to finish it.

The other much less sweet thing is the way I have been feeling.  I am just not feeling like myself.  I don't know what is happening.  I feel grouchy and mean all the time.  I don't really want to be around anyone, I just want to be an armadillo and curl up and protect myself, but I don't really even know what I want to protect myself against.  I don't know if this is side effects from the cancer operation, or if it is medications or fear about the upcoming procedure, all I know is I don't really like it.

I hope that when I get over this I will still have someone who cares for me.

here it is..maybe

Okay so here it is...or here is what it may be.  Cancer.  There I said it.

How did I get here?  There is plenty that has happened, but maybe I will start with the cough.

The end of March the beginning of April, I got a bad cough, and was very tired, but nothing to bad.  One day I was doing who knows what, I noticed a lump at the base of my neck, at the middle of my collarbone.  I figured it was just swollen from the cough, but knowing that Dad had thyroid cancer, is always at the back of my mind. I kept checking that lump and it never went away.

Fast forward to June 15, 2012.  I decided to have it looked at, and as luck would have it the Dr.'s office had an opening that day.  So off I go to the Dr. ... Surprise I had gained weight....again.  Both the Dr and his Physician’s Assistant could not feel anything.  But, the Dr. decided that I should get a CT Scan, and they got me an appointment for the following Monday (June 18th).

As I fill out paperwork at the hospital and they ask me for a down payment of $300+ I am cursing my hypochondria and seriously think about not doing it, but I do it anyway.  The scan only takes a few minutes, and with a Disc of the scanned images and 2 bottles of water I head off to work and make it by 9:30, trying not to think about the money I just threw away.  Before noon I get a call from the Dr.'s office saying the scan found a mass on my thyroid and they were sending me to a specialist to have a biopsy.

Yup - biopsy.  Yuck, that sounds awful!  I have an appointment with a new Dr. on June 20th.  I am terrified, I know I am pretty strong and can handle a lot of pain, but watching someone come at my neck with needles, that is just plain nasty.  I looked up the Dr that would be doing it and to my surprise I know this Dr. My appointment is with Dr. Davis, the former stake president when I lived with Mom and Dad.  A wave of peace came over me.  If I was going to survive, no do okay with someone coming at my neck with needles this is the guy.  He is so kind and gentle, this will be okay, oh and Jodie is going with me to hold my hand if I need it.

I ask Phil and Rod for a blessing.  I don't really remember much of it, but I remember Phil saying, you will return to full heath, and I am thinking wait when was not in full health.  Does that mean something?  

June 20th is here.  We are finally sitting in the office and the Dr. comes in.  He gives me a copy of the CT Scan findings and we begin to discuss what is happening.  I have a 3.0x3.2x4.8 cm complex mass on my thyroid.  This could mean lots of things.  Least of which is my thyroid is not working that well to worst case, thyroid cancer.  Dr. Davis is very kind as we go through all the things that could be wrong and all the things that I can do.  Cancer is mentioned but with very little likelihood.  The biopsy is also mentioned with little likelihood.   We also discuss the fact that Dad had thyroid cancer, and how that adds to the decision process.  Then we discuss insurance.  Lovely insurance, now it is time to go to a Dr. that practices in a hospital that my insurance covers.

Off we go again.  Monday June 25th.  Jackie came with me this time.   Again we discuss what is happening, this time it's a bit different.  Dr. Gilbert has looked at the disc with the scan images and that seems to have made all the difference.  We talk about the immediate course of action that can be taken.  He mentions the word biopsy and panic sets in.   But following the word he says he doesn't see a need for it.   So I take a breath and we continue.

The other word comes up...cancer, for a few moments there is no air in the room, I can breath but am not sure if it is a good idea, I can't really think right now.  I have to slow things down so I can understand how we went from very little likelihood to the thing we seem to be discussing as the most likely scenario.  Cancer seems to be the reality.  That's about all I understand.  Cancer. 

The moment passed and I am breathing again.  We are still talking, and I am still here.  So now I am really trying the best I can to understand what we are talking about.  Dr. Gilbert tells me the mass is large and embedded in my thyroid and he will have to take the right half of it out, then while I am out   (that is important to me) they will biopsy that side if it comes back with no cancer they will close me up and hope the rest of the thyroid will function and /or I will be on medication the rest of my life.    If the biopsy comes back with cancer, they will take out the rest of the thyroid I will be on medication the rest of my life, but with more complications.  I will have to get cancer check ups fairly often, for several years to forever.  Jackie asks about the kind of "therapy", really why is she asking that, I think.  The Dr. answers "radiation", oh, yes, we are still taking cancer.  It will be about 6 months before we a start "therapy" aka radiation.  It will be given in iodine so it will only target the thyroid area.  The down side is that when I am doing "therapy" aka radiation I am actually radioactive, and I can't be around people.  Wait, I am quoting Gabbie, "Ewww, I hate people", maybe I don't hate them as much as I thought.

Listen, Listen...still cancer.  Dr. Gilbert tells me he believes I need to prepare for cancer.  That is what it looks like to him.  I know there is air, because I am breathing.  

Now we are back to discussing the surgery, not cancer but all the other things that could happen during surgery.  Damaging vocal chords, (Hey - Ash was saying she was gonna slip some $$ to the Dr to do that anyway, that is convenient) nerve damage, any number of fun stuff, but not the cancer so I am okay.  He wants to check my vocal chords to insure they are in working condition.  It seems to mean he is sticking something down my throat.  I am getting nervous, it seems nasty, but with what has happened in this room the last 20 minutes, this can't be that bad right?   It's not fun and feels like bad sinus pressure, then Dr Gilbert tells a joke....What is the difference between broccoli and boogies? You have to pay kids to eat broccoli.  How am I supposed to laugh with this thing going down my nose and throat, but it is funny, so I am laughing.  

I ask Dr. Gilbert about the lump I have felt, this is not the lump the CT scan found, it's just a displaced gland.  Just an odd displaced gland, I know that can't be.  This odd displaced gland is what got me in here.  In my heart I know that odd displaced gland is a sign from Heavenly Father.  I have no doubt that gland may have saved my life.

Jackie and I go to the hospital to get some blood tests done, I guess shock is what is happening.  I feel like I need to tell people, but I don't know how to tell them.  I know we make some calls and texts, but not really sure Who all we talked or what got said, just it got done and that by now I am feeling okay.  I know we have been talking cancer, but I don't really feel like it affects me.  That is odd huh?

When we finish Jackie and I decide to go to eat, Jodie may meet us, but I don't think so.  Jackie and I are in separate cars so while I drive I make a call.  Jody, my Jody.  I start to tell her what is happening and she is just quietly listening.  Talking to her I start to cry.  Is it just hitting me?  No, I was in the room when the air disappeared.  But just talking to her, I can finally cry.  We are at the restaurant, and I am done crying.  We go in sit down, Jodie calls and has Jackie order a salad for her, and I am surprised I thought she wasn't coming.  Jackie said she just read her text and texted back "Shit".   It's Monday night, which means Jodie is missing "White Trash Night" with her family, that is sacred time, oh crap, this is serious.  But I don't feel sad; scared, unsure, nervous, of course, but sad no, I am just not feeling in right now.