Monday, July 30, 2012

Roll with the punches

July 18... Meg is sitting on my lap and my phone vibrates,  she starts to giggle.  Then she turns to me and says, "Was that your phone, or did I just toot?"  How do you not LOVE that?

Today is July 30th, and I think I am doing pretty well.  I have been massaging the scars like the Dr. Told me to, and today there seems to be small BB sized something just above the scar from the drain.  So I called the Dr and he wants to see it.  I don't want it to be anything big, but I don't want it be something dumb like a zit.  Hopefully it's just some scar tissue, or something from the stitches.  

Just found this video, it really sums up how I feel lately!



I have been thinking a lot about this whole thing.  I have had a few people ask me if I have had cancer. I of course say yes.  But there is a part of me that always feels like I shouldn't be able to say that.   It seem likes this has not been as hard as other people's bouts with cancer.  As, I was thinking about this, I started to cry.  I realized that my struggle is no less than any other one.  It may not be as difficult, but it is just as important.  It was a reminder from my Heavenly Father, that I matter.

This experience has also reminded me of how blessed I am with wonderful friends.  So many of my friends have rallied around me.  

July 6, 2012

Surgery today.  I took treats for those poor souls who came to sit and chat while I was under.  The surgery started late so I sat in a gown with an iv and a bunch of people who sat with me for an hour or so.  Finally they wheeled me into the operating room and asked me to move the the operating table.  All I could think was "I am pretty sure I have been VERY CLEAR about wanting to be OUT for all of this and here I am awake.  Then they gave me a little mask and I was out.  I do remember waking up and needing to go to the bathroom, and knowing I couldn't make it to a bathroom so a cammode was brought close to the bed.  I also remember throwing up in a trash can.  None of that seem fun.  It wasn't.

I do remember a few more things.  I remember that Heidi was in the room for me to make sure I was okay.  I know this is not something she likes to do.  It means the world to me that she is doing this for me.  I know people are coming in and out.  I feel so loved.  But my head and my stomach hurt so much I can't do much!!  When Heidi leaves Sally settles in and spends the night with me.

I don't really remember much until Saturday.  I am thankful for family and friends who have been with me the whole time.  When Sally left, Susan was there to take over, then Jody came to be with me until they sent me home.

Dr. Gilbert comes to visit, and see how I am doing and tell me how things went.  It seems that when he was taking out the thyroid he found that there was not only the 2 lumps on the right side, but there was also a lump on the left side that had not shown up on the scan.   He makes it clear he can't be certain, but he felt all the lumps and he doesn't really think the large one is cancer, but thinks the two small ones may be.

I don't know if I have every really let myself believe that this was cancer.  I know we are talking about it, but it still seems unreal.  But what has me is there is another lump we knew nothing of.  How did that happen?  How was it never seen?  Yet, somehow it seems like this lump is going to be cancer, if any of them are.

It only makes sense in this odd little universe I seem to have found myself living in these past few weeks.  I go from an odd gland in my neck to growths on my thyroid that are not that odd gland, to concern for cancer to somehow there being another growth.

I am convinced that Heavenly Father is watching out for me and each thing is Him showing me He is in charge of me and is taking care of me.  This whole things is just another testament to me that this is true.



I spend most of the day in the hospital.  First with Heidi, then Sally, and then Sue and now with Jody.  I am amazed they are willing to put aside their stuff with hospitals to be with me.  I do love them.

It's almost time to leave and my mouth feels funny, so instead of letting me go they run one more blood lab work...turns out things are okay, in fact my calcium levels are up.  So I am off to home....Jody and Phil's home.  They have things set up for me.  There is a nice spot on my favorite couch and a little tray with plenty of water  some flowers and my meds.  Along with all of that there is a sweet little lady and her cute brothers who are right there to take care of anything I need.  So with them and pain medication life is just perfect!  Okay for someone who just got their neck cut open I am doing perfect.  I get to spend lots of time asleep and when I am awake I Meg is doing whatever she can to help for me.

This is what life is like for the next few days.  Wake up get nursed by Meg and her family, take some meds and go back to sleep.  I am trying to keep my neck covers, There is a big drain coming out of my neck, and lots of bandages as well.  I don't want to freak the kids out.  I remember when I was really young, Mom had her veins striped.  Dad wanted me to spend time with her.  I did and it scared me something awful.  Then years later when I was taking care of her, we talked about it, and she hated having me in with her as much as I did.  (Funny this memory came back now)

Monday morning Jody takes me to the Dr.  He takes out my drain.  Yuck.  I couldn't watch as he took out the stitches and the drain.  But I have to be honest, I did want to see what had been in my neck.  It looked like about a foot of weather stripping.  It was freaky, hopefully it will feel better.  It's been like I have something stuck in my throat.    When we get back to Jody's I am wiped out and fall back to sleep.       When I feel like I can do it, Jody and the kids take me to my house.  Surprise I spend the rest of the day sleeping.

Tuesday Jodie calls and wants me to come to here house for awhile.  So she comes and gets me and I spend a few hours.  It is nice to just sit in the sun.

 I also talked to the Dr.  He said they had gotten the results back.  Okay, this is it.  The large complex mass is not cancer,  the small solid mass is just a calcified mass.  Then there is the third mass that was on the left side.  This one was cancer.  Yep, it's that word.  There was cancer.

The world kept moving, but my mind was not with it.  It just stopped and realized again this whole thing is a miracle.  I find a swelling that isn't a lump but it leads the Dr.'s to find 2 lumps.  We plan on taking out only half of my thyroid and then test for cancer, which they would not have found.  But we decide to take out the entire thyroid, doing this they find another lump we didn't know existed, and that last undetected lump is the one that has cancer.  MIRACLE!!

Then Dr. Gilbert says that the size of the cancer is small enough that I will not need to do any radiation.
He asks if I feel okay and if I have questions.  I say something like okay, other than being cancer free this is the best results, right.  He says yes!!

So happy so blessed!!!  Now just going to take time to get well.

Friday, July 6, 2012

I got to spend yesterday with my friends, they treated me like a queen.   All I can say is "If this isn't nice I don't know what is"






I am tired but not at all nervous.  Just ready to get this done.  Leaving for the hospital in about an hour.  More nervous about getting ready, still have to take books to the library, and get donuts, (this surgery is being catered), shower and get everything ready. Maybe I don't have time to be nervous.  No matter the reason, I feel calm about today.  I know things will be okay.  Maybe soon maybe not soon, but I know it's gonna be okay. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Overwhelmed was yesterday.  Woke up ready to cry and spent most of the day doing just that. 

I know I have been caught up in the business of all of this operation and all that it entails.  There so much stuff that needs to be dealt with.  Dealing with hospital, and the insurance.  This was part of yesterdays adventure.  I when I called to see where I was at meeting my deductible I got quite the surprise.  Our insurance was cancelled as of June 30th.  PANIC!!  Turns out there was a late payment. They got the check and by thursday everything will be back to normal.  This is just another tender mercy for me.  If I hadn't called this would be a BIG BIG MESS, now it's a smallish mess that is being taking care of.  Then there is is the little details of life to take care of, library books, primary sub, visiting teaching.  

But today I woke up back at happy again.  Not sure why, but I literally woke up smiling and happy.  I am at peace again. 

Today I am back to feeling the tender mercies of knowing this is the right thing to do.  Just gonna move forward knowing my Heavenly Father is watching over me.  That is where the peace comes from.   

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Monday, July 2, 2012

Today's adventures...Money, Money, Money and a few tears.

So yesterday I made my blog public, not sure if that was smart or not.  So many people made such sweet comments on facebook and on this blog.  Thanks you all so much!! (That is where some of the tears are from).

I spent some time on the phone today dealing with the hospital.  First with the administration getting pre-registered.  Then the real fun part, the financial stuff.  It looks like this weekend is going to be pretty expensive for me.  Just the hospital will be about $4,000.  Ouch.  The bright spot in phone call is that if I prepay they will give me a discount.  That means I have till Thursday to come up with the $$$.  Life is good, isn't it.

Jody called to check up on how I am doing.  There is something about her that makes it okay to cry.  I feel bad that is always with her.  The other problem is once the waterworks started it was hard to stop them.  I cried during my lunch break, but I could not stop it when lunch was over.  I hate when I can't control it my emotions at work.  So now I am crying and mad too.  

I am still at peace, but nervous.  Not sure if the nerves are about $$$, the surgery, the chance of cancer or all of the above....all of the above.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Monday is over.. I have had an amazing night's sleep, as I am  praying I realize that I am....HAPPY!  Ridiculously Happy.  How is that?  Yesterday I got the news that I most likely have cancer and I feel happy.  I know I am not happy about the cancer, so what is it?  Am I in denial?  No, I know that cancer is really in the picture now.  

Peace, peace, that is why I am so happy.  I feel so much peace about this.    I have no doubt that I need to get my thyroid out.  There is no way I can logically think of that this lump aka cancer should have been found.  Every time I have been tested for thyroid problems they come back in the "normal" range.  The lump I felt is not the cancer, but that silly lump is what  started this whole thing.  Peace is making me happy.  Peace, that my Heavenly Father is giving me such a sweet tender mercy.  Peace that He is here to guide me to do what is right.  Peace that my Savior Jesus Christ is with me, giving me this peaceful, and RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY feeling.  

Jackie and Jodie tell me that they didn't sleep well.  I am thinking they got sick from dinner.  But Jodie says she worried all night about me.  I tell her how happy I am and how much peace I feel, hopefully I can help others feel the peace I feel.  I know there are a lot of people that need to be updated, but I don't really feel like I can just send a text or email.  So I spend a lot of my day on the phone. 

June 27th Wednesday - The surgery is set for Friday July 6.  I get a call from Dr. Gilbert, the blood work is back.  It seems there are a few tests they have done to check the function of my thyroid.  All of them show that mine is not working at all.  In fact, for one of the tests "Normal" is 0-10, I am at...500.  So nothing about it seems to be working.  We discuss how that will affect the surgery.  Since one side of the thyroid seems to have cancer and the other side is not functioning we decide we will just take the entire thyroid out.  This will cut the length of the surgery, but lengthen the outpatient time.  

I still feel happy, and at peace with this whole thing.  I know that in the end everything will be okay.  Now I know that the middle is gonna be kinda yucky, but I will be good in the end.  What is  there not to be happy about?

Sunday July 1st, I still feel good about what is happening I have asked myself and others if maybe I just don't understand what is happening, but I believe in my heart that I do, and Heavenly Father is giving me Peace and my Savior is giving me the comfort I need.    

But it is Sunday and Fast Sunday to boot.  I can feel my emotions (the not happy ones) come to the surface, ready to come out.  Most of the day I can do okay, but every once in awhile I can feel the nerves come when someone who knows says something.  Still there is so much peace.

Peace, I love that word.