A few really sweet things have happened...

A few days ago I was at Phil and Jody's and Meg and I were outside, she got out the chalk and decided to do some sidewalk drawing.  She started drawing a figure and said, I am drawing your Mom.  Let's see she is not to big, she needs eyebrows and hair, hands.

She finishes with this sweet drawing and then she lets me take her picture with the drawing of my Mom, she makes sure she is holding her hand.

She made me a little misty eyed.  She just touched my heart when I really needed it.

A few days later, Alex said to me - I miss my great, great great grandpa.  He died before I was born.
I said I'll bet he did.
Then he added.. But I did meet his wife, she held me when I was a brand new baby...Right Cindy.
I asked him how he looked at her and my boy gave me a big eyed grin.

I realized he he was talking about my folks.  He has a few to many Greats in there, but he described the time right after he came home from the hospital, and it was a few weeks before Mom died.  I realize it was a story I have told him about him and Mom, but the fact he was talking about my Dad and my Mom was so heart warming.

I don't know if the folks are so close that the kids can feel them.  Or if I am seeing more in things now, but these have really helped me feel their love.



I have also been having less sweet things happening.

I have been feeling OBSESSED about getting my advanced medical directive finished before the procedure.  I have read it and decided about how I want to fill it out.  I have even talked to the the people I want making decisions if I can't.  I don't know why this has become so important but I have to finish it.

The other much less sweet thing is the way I have been feeling.  I am just not feeling like myself.  I don't know what is happening.  I feel grouchy and mean all the time.  I don't really want to be around anyone, I just want to be an armadillo and curl up and protect myself, but I don't really even know what I want to protect myself against.  I don't know if this is side effects from the cancer operation, or if it is medications or fear about the upcoming procedure, all I know is I don't really like it.

I hope that when I get over this I will still have someone who cares for me.

Let's call it a procedure

I had the ultra sound and there was not any obvious sign of growths/lumps/polyps /tumors whatever you want to call it.  Which seems good, but it still doesn't explain the spotting, so Dr. Steele wants to biopsy it, which means a D and C.  It is an outpatient  "procedure".  Although I believe I have met my out of pocket costs for the year, we are going to do the "procedure"  at a physicality that is covered 80% so...it's going to be a month before we do it.

Dr. Gilbert's appointment was better.  Things were going really well.  The wound is healing, the swelling is going down, and my voice is doing well.  Until he asked about it, when of course it cuts out for a second.  We both had to laugh.  The bump under my drain incision surprises him.  It doesn't seem to be shrinking.  But I told him, that if there was some odd thing it would be me it would happen to.    We are going to just watch it for until the next appointment and see what happens then.

Just a reminder

Just a reminder....Dr.'s and Dr's today

Somethings I have learned lately

Well, LDSBA convention finally came and went too.  There was very little time to breath, but I did learn a few things.

I talked with Tanya Barkdull, a great singer who is part of One Clear Voice, at the showcase.  She had thyroid cancer a year ago.  It was quick, but it was really nice to talk to someone who has so recently has been through the same time.  She talked about how long it has taken her to feel stabilized.    All of a sudden, a lot started making sense.  I said "Oh, crying one day and feeling nothing the next.. is that what you are talking about?"  Yup she said.  Oh, no I understand all the tears.  Not that it makes them seem easier, but I've learned it is "normal"

I also learned from a sweet doctor/author, once again how blessed I am.  We were just talking he was explaining his Health for Missionaries book, all of a sudden he says you have had your thyroid removed, was it cancer.  I tell him it was, he asks about when and what happened.  I give him the quick version, that includes the miracles of it all.  He is so sweet, he is here to get people to look at this book but for this period of time, he is totally focused on me.  When I finish, he tells me I am so blessed.  (Yup) Then he says you survived cancer, know that!!  But also know you are healed, it is not coming back.  What an amazing few minutes I had with him.  I know this doctor could tell just what my soul needed.  Blessed. Not much more to say.

A gal came into work and noticed my scar, we got taking about cancer (she'd had breast), and she helped me learn I have a new normal, it includes blood draws, and visiting doctors.

I have also learned that caffeine helps you get rid of excess water weight.  It was nice to have the pharmacist tell me that I need a vacation or diet coke, for medical reasons!! Like that man!

I have learned that I really dislike being angry.  I had felt almost uncomfortable in my own skin.  I seem angry, upset, mad, grouchy, negative all the time.  I DO NOT LIKE IT!!! I want my meds to regulate to me or the other way around, can't keep feeling this yuck!!

Learned that life can always throw another curve ball.  Since the operation I have spotted a few times, so I went to Dr. Steele for my pap smear, and to find out why this may be happening.  Dr. Steele has some concerns.  Of course as he said we have to do more tests and this may require an operation, my heart sunk, only thought in my brain is "Really? this isn't happening again is it".  Then he clearly saw the blood leave my head and he said, you came to me to find out what is going on right,  that is what we are doing  seeing what is wrong and then try to fix it.  Oh, that is right, calm down.

I also learned there is a silver lining in the clouds.  If I really need to have another operation, now is the time to do it.  I talked to the insurance company and the first operation out of pocket costs for me will meet my max out of pocket for the year...so this may be the time!!!

Today

Today...not as good as yesterday.  Just emotionally and physically drained.

:)

So another Dr visit.  He said the little lump I found is not anything to worry about.  It is some scar, or some other type of tissue the has collected.  He just wants me to message it, hopefully it will go down in size and go away.

The thing he was most concerned about is my voice.  It comes in and out.  Most of the time it is in, but it still goes out.  When he first came in I said "Hello" and of course it went out, so he was concerned, because he had talked to me on the phone and it sounded okay.  We talked and my voice came back.  I told him that I have noticed stress can seem to affect (hope I used the right word) it.  He said that seems to make sense.  He would expect that by the end of the day that vocal cord is getting tired and it seems that stress would do the same.

I really like Dr. Gilbert.  He is so willing to talk to me about any concerns, silly or not.  He also, gives me all the information there is and works to make sure I understand it too.  Then, tries to make sure I emotionally okay with everything.  He is the kind of person who I think chose well in his vocation.  He has great "bedside" or exam room manner!!  Another way I know I am blessed!!

Less than a month after having cancer removed and I feel so at peace (even with the finances-not that I know how I am going to take care of it, or how long it will take-I just know it will be okay) with  everything in my life and very happy with life!!!

:)