Thank you Sarah - You know me !

Another one

Another milestone...

The last blood tests looked good, so good that Dr. Gilbert said I don't need anymore for 6 months!
At that time there will be an ultrasound as well, just to make sure things are still good.

 I feel pretty happy.

Personal Milestone

I know it only matters to me but on October 15, 2012, I wore a necklace.  It is a little thing but it has scared me to put one on.  Since the thyroid surgery, everything bothers me, ruffles, material you name it and it seems to give me anxiety.

Sweet Mel and I were looking at necklaces over the weekend, and I just took a breath and put one on.  She was proud, but mentioned that I would have to let go of it.  I couldn't actually wear the necklace holding it up off me, Dang!

So wearing a necklace all day was a really big thing.  I felt a bit overwhelmed a few times, but I survived, and looked kind of cute....I think.

Yeah!

Benign

Is there a nicer word?  I am sure there is but when your choices or malignant or benign, it is an amazingly wonderful, beautiful word.

I finally got the results.  Benign.  It is surprising how you don't even realize that you were holding your breathe, until you breathe again.

I have felt this was going to be okay, but have felt cautious since the first visit to Dr. Steele.  But today there was a lightness & happiness, that has been missing for awhile.  Several months actually.  It is so nice to feel good again, kind of shocking I felt so good.

 There is nothing wrong with that right?

No News is Good News

RIGHT?

I haven't heard from Dr. Steele, so I am believing no news is good news.  Tomorrow may be different but for today this is what I am feeling.

Did 5 hours of work.  (Once I got rid of the migraine I realized I was tired and a bit achy - go figure).

 :)

Procedure

So I had the procedure on Friday.

I woke up with a migraine and it stayed the entire day okay weekend.

Heidi took me up to the hospital.  As I was in the hall I heard the funniest thing.  Here we are in the same day operation area and I hear a worker ask someone, "Do you have any health problems?"  It made me giggle.

Lots of Dr's and nurses came and went and finally they wheeled me into another room, but by then I was out.  I woke up with the same headache, and just a little abdominal discomfort.  At one point I really really needed to go to the bathroom, but the nurse felt like taking my blood pressure while taking out my IV was more important.  It know it is surprising, but my blood pressure was going crazy.  I don't really know where it should be but it was doing all kinds of crazy stuff.  Once the IV was out it settled down a bit and then I got one of the nurses to let me go the bathroom, and I felt much better.

The nurse was really nice.  She sat and chatted with me.  It was really really nice.  She talked to me about recovery, but also about being ready for the emotional stuff that tends to follow after any surgery.  I was like a light went on...that is what happened with the thyroid surgery.  My frustration and anger were normal. It was so nice to hear someone say I wasn't crazy.  It was surprising to feel so safe with this lady.  She talked about some her struggles in life and how as women we are so hard on ourselves.  How we would NEVER allow anyone to treat someone else the way we allow ourselves to be treated.  That we need to be kinder to ourselves and allow other to do the same.  Heidi went to get  the car and she stayed with me and walked me to the car.  She apologized for getting so personal, but she said something about me drew her to me and she felt safe opening up and sharing with me.  It's amazing how Heavenly Father puts people in our live so we can help each other.

I spent the evening at Deans with Alex aka Dr Banner/Hawkeye watching out for me.  We watched Avengers (as noted by Alex's alias).  Then he slept on the floor beside me to be sure I did okay during the night.  I took pain pills but mostly for my head.

Heidi and I did lunch on Saturday and I had a few sweet sisters from the ward check up on me.  I am just taking it easy this weekend and hopefully by Monday I will be okay to work.  I feel okay, just tired.    Okay and a bit anxious to find out the results of the biopsy.

Tomorrow...

After some waiting and planning and re-planning, tomorrow and the D&C are finally here.    I talked to Dr. Steele and he said the odds of this being cancer are 1 in 100.  I was hoping for better odds.  I feel pretty peaceful, well, really not feeling much about this.  I hope that is a good sign.  I guess we will have to wait till next week to know.

SUN!!

I finally saw the sun.

Yes, it's mid September and I think this is the first I have seen sun this summer.   I was at kids soccer games most of the day.   I did a great job of making sure my scar had sunscreen, but not much else.  (Notice the sunburn is just on the right side, seems no matter what game I was at the sun stayed on that side.)

The really amazing thing to me when I see this picture, is how small this scar is.  I know some people may think it is big.  But I remember how much of his neck my Pops lost to this same thyroid cancer.  Once again, I realize how blessed I am.  Not that Dad wasn't blessed, he lived over 40 years after his cancer.  I just know that having it now there are so many medical advances, that it so much easier.  Thanks Dad for paving the way and making it easier for me.  I love you!!

What the...

So am supposed to be feeling better since we have the thyroid out and are taking meds to replace it.  But I am always tired and I am shocked how stink'n much hair is falling out of my head!  (I am lucky, because you can't tell my looking at me that my hair is falling out)  I know how very lucky I am to so  healthy.  But I guess I hoped that I would feel better.  Oh, yeah this whole thing is less that 3 months old.  I guess I should relax...yeah that is probably it.

:)

I am officially over this year.  It has just been a bit to much for me this year.  Cancer and at least another surgery, several deaths, all kinds of crap seems to be happening this year.  There are still months left but I am ready to start new.  Can anyone help with that?  No, oh well, I thought I'd try.

Stand Up To Cancer

Watching  stand up to cancer...realizing once again how very very blessed I am.  My cancer has come and is now gone.  Thank you Heavenly Father for my blessing.

A few really sweet things have happened...

A few days ago I was at Phil and Jody's and Meg and I were outside, she got out the chalk and decided to do some sidewalk drawing.  She started drawing a figure and said, I am drawing your Mom.  Let's see she is not to big, she needs eyebrows and hair, hands.

She finishes with this sweet drawing and then she lets me take her picture with the drawing of my Mom, she makes sure she is holding her hand.

She made me a little misty eyed.  She just touched my heart when I really needed it.

A few days later, Alex said to me - I miss my great, great great grandpa.  He died before I was born.
I said I'll bet he did.
Then he added.. But I did meet his wife, she held me when I was a brand new baby...Right Cindy.
I asked him how he looked at her and my boy gave me a big eyed grin.

I realized he he was talking about my folks.  He has a few to many Greats in there, but he described the time right after he came home from the hospital, and it was a few weeks before Mom died.  I realize it was a story I have told him about him and Mom, but the fact he was talking about my Dad and my Mom was so heart warming.

I don't know if the folks are so close that the kids can feel them.  Or if I am seeing more in things now, but these have really helped me feel their love.



I have also been having less sweet things happening.

I have been feeling OBSESSED about getting my advanced medical directive finished before the procedure.  I have read it and decided about how I want to fill it out.  I have even talked to the the people I want making decisions if I can't.  I don't know why this has become so important but I have to finish it.

The other much less sweet thing is the way I have been feeling.  I am just not feeling like myself.  I don't know what is happening.  I feel grouchy and mean all the time.  I don't really want to be around anyone, I just want to be an armadillo and curl up and protect myself, but I don't really even know what I want to protect myself against.  I don't know if this is side effects from the cancer operation, or if it is medications or fear about the upcoming procedure, all I know is I don't really like it.

I hope that when I get over this I will still have someone who cares for me.

Let's call it a procedure

I had the ultra sound and there was not any obvious sign of growths/lumps/polyps /tumors whatever you want to call it.  Which seems good, but it still doesn't explain the spotting, so Dr. Steele wants to biopsy it, which means a D and C.  It is an outpatient  "procedure".  Although I believe I have met my out of pocket costs for the year, we are going to do the "procedure"  at a physicality that is covered 80% so...it's going to be a month before we do it.

Dr. Gilbert's appointment was better.  Things were going really well.  The wound is healing, the swelling is going down, and my voice is doing well.  Until he asked about it, when of course it cuts out for a second.  We both had to laugh.  The bump under my drain incision surprises him.  It doesn't seem to be shrinking.  But I told him, that if there was some odd thing it would be me it would happen to.    We are going to just watch it for until the next appointment and see what happens then.

Just a reminder

Just a reminder....Dr.'s and Dr's today

Somethings I have learned lately

Well, LDSBA convention finally came and went too.  There was very little time to breath, but I did learn a few things.

I talked with Tanya Barkdull, a great singer who is part of One Clear Voice, at the showcase.  She had thyroid cancer a year ago.  It was quick, but it was really nice to talk to someone who has so recently has been through the same time.  She talked about how long it has taken her to feel stabilized.    All of a sudden, a lot started making sense.  I said "Oh, crying one day and feeling nothing the next.. is that what you are talking about?"  Yup she said.  Oh, no I understand all the tears.  Not that it makes them seem easier, but I've learned it is "normal"

I also learned from a sweet doctor/author, once again how blessed I am.  We were just talking he was explaining his Health for Missionaries book, all of a sudden he says you have had your thyroid removed, was it cancer.  I tell him it was, he asks about when and what happened.  I give him the quick version, that includes the miracles of it all.  He is so sweet, he is here to get people to look at this book but for this period of time, he is totally focused on me.  When I finish, he tells me I am so blessed.  (Yup) Then he says you survived cancer, know that!!  But also know you are healed, it is not coming back.  What an amazing few minutes I had with him.  I know this doctor could tell just what my soul needed.  Blessed. Not much more to say.

A gal came into work and noticed my scar, we got taking about cancer (she'd had breast), and she helped me learn I have a new normal, it includes blood draws, and visiting doctors.

I have also learned that caffeine helps you get rid of excess water weight.  It was nice to have the pharmacist tell me that I need a vacation or diet coke, for medical reasons!! Like that man!

I have learned that I really dislike being angry.  I had felt almost uncomfortable in my own skin.  I seem angry, upset, mad, grouchy, negative all the time.  I DO NOT LIKE IT!!! I want my meds to regulate to me or the other way around, can't keep feeling this yuck!!

Learned that life can always throw another curve ball.  Since the operation I have spotted a few times, so I went to Dr. Steele for my pap smear, and to find out why this may be happening.  Dr. Steele has some concerns.  Of course as he said we have to do more tests and this may require an operation, my heart sunk, only thought in my brain is "Really? this isn't happening again is it".  Then he clearly saw the blood leave my head and he said, you came to me to find out what is going on right,  that is what we are doing  seeing what is wrong and then try to fix it.  Oh, that is right, calm down.

I also learned there is a silver lining in the clouds.  If I really need to have another operation, now is the time to do it.  I talked to the insurance company and the first operation out of pocket costs for me will meet my max out of pocket for the year...so this may be the time!!!

Today

Today...not as good as yesterday.  Just emotionally and physically drained.

:)

So another Dr visit.  He said the little lump I found is not anything to worry about.  It is some scar, or some other type of tissue the has collected.  He just wants me to message it, hopefully it will go down in size and go away.

The thing he was most concerned about is my voice.  It comes in and out.  Most of the time it is in, but it still goes out.  When he first came in I said "Hello" and of course it went out, so he was concerned, because he had talked to me on the phone and it sounded okay.  We talked and my voice came back.  I told him that I have noticed stress can seem to affect (hope I used the right word) it.  He said that seems to make sense.  He would expect that by the end of the day that vocal cord is getting tired and it seems that stress would do the same.

I really like Dr. Gilbert.  He is so willing to talk to me about any concerns, silly or not.  He also, gives me all the information there is and works to make sure I understand it too.  Then, tries to make sure I emotionally okay with everything.  He is the kind of person who I think chose well in his vocation.  He has great "bedside" or exam room manner!!  Another way I know I am blessed!!

Less than a month after having cancer removed and I feel so at peace (even with the finances-not that I know how I am going to take care of it, or how long it will take-I just know it will be okay) with  everything in my life and very happy with life!!!

:)

Roll with the punches

July 18... Meg is sitting on my lap and my phone vibrates,  she starts to giggle.  Then she turns to me and says, "Was that your phone, or did I just toot?"  How do you not LOVE that?

Today is July 30th, and I think I am doing pretty well.  I have been massaging the scars like the Dr. Told me to, and today there seems to be small BB sized something just above the scar from the drain.  So I called the Dr and he wants to see it.  I don't want it to be anything big, but I don't want it be something dumb like a zit.  Hopefully it's just some scar tissue, or something from the stitches.  

Just found this video, it really sums up how I feel lately!

I have been thinking a lot about this whole thing.  I have had a few people ask me if I have had cancer. I of course say yes.  But there is a part of me that always feels like I shouldn't be able to say that.   It seem likes this has not been as hard as other people's bouts with cancer.  As, I was thinking about this, I started to cry.  I realized that my struggle is no less than any other one.  It may not be as difficult, but it is just as important.  It was a reminder from my Heavenly Father, that I matter.

This experience has also reminded me of how blessed I am with wonderful friends.  So many of my friends have rallied around me.  

July 6, 2012

Surgery today.  I took treats for those poor souls who came to sit and chat while I was under.  The surgery started late so I sat in a gown with an iv and a bunch of people who sat with me for an hour or so.  Finally they wheeled me into the operating room and asked me to move the the operating table.  All I could think was "I am pretty sure I have been VERY CLEAR about wanting to be OUT for all of this and here I am awake.  Then they gave me a little mask and I was out.  I do remember waking up and needing to go to the bathroom, and knowing I couldn't make it to a bathroom so a cammode was brought close to the bed.  I also remember throwing up in a trash can.  None of that seem fun.  It wasn't.

I do remember a few more things.  I remember that Heidi was in the room for me to make sure I was okay.  I know this is not something she likes to do.  It means the world to me that she is doing this for me.  I know people are coming in and out.  I feel so loved.  But my head and my stomach hurt so much I can't do much!!  When Heidi leaves Sally settles in and spends the night with me.

I don't really remember much until Saturday.  I am thankful for family and friends who have been with me the whole time.  When Sally left, Susan was there to take over, then Jody came to be with me until they sent me home.

Dr. Gilbert comes to visit, and see how I am doing and tell me how things went.  It seems that when he was taking out the thyroid he found that there was not only the 2 lumps on the right side, but there was also a lump on the left side that had not shown up on the scan.   He makes it clear he can't be certain, but he felt all the lumps and he doesn't really think the large one is cancer, but thinks the two small ones may be.

I don't know if I have every really let myself believe that this was cancer.  I know we are talking about it, but it still seems unreal.  But what has me is there is another lump we knew nothing of.  How did that happen?  How was it never seen?  Yet, somehow it seems like this lump is going to be cancer, if any of them are.

It only makes sense in this odd little universe I seem to have found myself living in these past few weeks.  I go from an odd gland in my neck to growths on my thyroid that are not that odd gland, to concern for cancer to somehow there being another growth.

I am convinced that Heavenly Father is watching out for me and each thing is Him showing me He is in charge of me and is taking care of me.  This whole things is just another testament to me that this is true.

I spend most of the day in the hospital.  First with Heidi, then Sally, and then Sue and now with Jody.  I am amazed they are willing to put aside their stuff with hospitals to be with me.  I do love them.

It's almost time to leave and my mouth feels funny, so instead of letting me go they run one more blood lab work...turns out things are okay, in fact my calcium levels are up.  So I am off to home....Jody and Phil's home.  They have things set up for me.  There is a nice spot on my favorite couch and a little tray with plenty of water  some flowers and my meds.  Along with all of that there is a sweet little lady and her cute brothers who are right there to take care of anything I need.  So with them and pain medication life is just perfect!  Okay for someone who just got their neck cut open I am doing perfect.  I get to spend lots of time asleep and when I am awake I Meg is doing whatever she can to help for me.

This is what life is like for the next few days.  Wake up get nursed by Meg and her family, take some meds and go back to sleep.  I am trying to keep my neck covers, There is a big drain coming out of my neck, and lots of bandages as well.  I don't want to freak the kids out.  I remember when I was really young, Mom had her veins striped.  Dad wanted me to spend time with her.  I did and it scared me something awful.  Then years later when I was taking care of her, we talked about it, and she hated having me in with her as much as I did.  (Funny this memory came back now)

Monday morning Jody takes me to the Dr.  He takes out my drain.  Yuck.  I couldn't watch as he took out the stitches and the drain.  But I have to be honest, I did want to see what had been in my neck.  It looked like about a foot of weather stripping.  It was freaky, hopefully it will feel better.  It's been like I have something stuck in my throat.    When we get back to Jody's I am wiped out and fall back to sleep.       When I feel like I can do it, Jody and the kids take me to my house.  Surprise I spend the rest of the day sleeping.

Tuesday Jodie calls and wants me to come to here house for awhile.  So she comes and gets me and I spend a few hours.  It is nice to just sit in the sun.

 I also talked to the Dr.  He said they had gotten the results back.  Okay, this is it.  The large complex mass is not cancer,  the small solid mass is just a calcified mass.  Then there is the third mass that was on the left side.  This one was cancer.  Yep, it's that word.  There was cancer.

The world kept moving, but my mind was not with it.  It just stopped and realized again this whole thing is a miracle.  I find a swelling that isn't a lump but it leads the Dr.'s to find 2 lumps.  We plan on taking out only half of my thyroid and then test for cancer, which they would not have found.  But we decide to take out the entire thyroid, doing this they find another lump we didn't know existed, and that last undetected lump is the one that has cancer.  MIRACLE!!

Then Dr. Gilbert says that the size of the cancer is small enough that I will not need to do any radiation.
He asks if I feel okay and if I have questions.  I say something like okay, other than being cancer free this is the best results, right.  He says yes!!

So happy so blessed!!!  Now just going to take time to get well.

I got to spend yesterday with my friends, they treated me like a queen.   All I can say is "If this isn't nice I don't know what is"

I am tired but not at all nervous.  Just ready to get this done.  Leaving for the hospital in about an hour.  More nervous about getting ready, still have to take books to the library, and get donuts, (this surgery is being catered), shower and get everything ready. Maybe I don't have time to be nervous.  No matter the reason, I feel calm about today.  I know things will be okay.  Maybe soon maybe not soon, but I know it's gonna be okay. 

Overwhelmed was yesterday.  Woke up ready to cry and spent most of the day doing just that. 

I know I have been caught up in the business of all of this operation and all that it entails.  There so much stuff that needs to be dealt with.  Dealing with hospital, and the insurance.  This was part of yesterdays adventure.  I when I called to see where I was at meeting my deductible I got quite the surprise.  Our insurance was cancelled as of June 30th.  PANIC!!  Turns out there was a late payment. They got the check and by thursday everything will be back to normal.  This is just another tender mercy for me.  If I hadn't called this would be a BIG BIG MESS, now it's a smallish mess that is being taking care of.  Then there is is the little details of life to take care of, library books, primary sub, visiting teaching.  

But today I woke up back at happy again.  Not sure why, but I literally woke up smiling and happy.  I am at peace again. 

Today I am back to feeling the tender mercies of knowing this is the right thing to do.  Just gonna move forward knowing my Heavenly Father is watching over me.  That is where the peace comes from.   

The word for today is...Overwhelmed.

Today's adventures...Money, Money, Money and a few tears.

So yesterday I made my blog public, not sure if that was smart or not.  So many people made such sweet comments on facebook and on this blog.  Thanks you all so much!! (That is where some of the tears are from).

I spent some time on the phone today dealing with the hospital.  First with the administration getting pre-registered.  Then the real fun part, the financial stuff.  It looks like this weekend is going to be pretty expensive for me.  Just the hospital will be about $4,000.  Ouch.  The bright spot in phone call is that if I prepay they will give me a discount.  That means I have till Thursday to come up with the $$$.  Life is good, isn't it.

Jody called to check up on how I am doing.  There is something about her that makes it okay to cry.  I feel bad that is always with her.  The other problem is once the waterworks started it was hard to stop them.  I cried during my lunch break, but I could not stop it when lunch was over.  I hate when I can't control it my emotions at work.  So now I am crying and mad too.  

I am still at peace, but nervous.  Not sure if the nerves are about $$$, the surgery, the chance of cancer or all of the above....all of the above.

Monday is over.. I have had an amazing night's sleep, as I am  praying I realize that I am....HAPPY!  Ridiculously Happy.  How is that?  Yesterday I got the news that I most likely have cancer and I feel happy.  I know I am not happy about the cancer, so what is it?  Am I in denial?  No, I know that cancer is really in the picture now.  

Peace, peace, that is why I am so happy.  I feel so much peace about this.    I have no doubt that I need to get my thyroid out.  There is no way I can logically think of that this lump aka cancer should have been found.  Every time I have been tested for thyroid problems they come back in the "normal" range.  The lump I felt is not the cancer, but that silly lump is what  started this whole thing.  Peace is making me happy.  Peace, that my Heavenly Father is giving me such a sweet tender mercy.  Peace that He is here to guide me to do what is right.  Peace that my Savior Jesus Christ is with me, giving me this peaceful, and RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY feeling.  

Jackie and Jodie tell me that they didn't sleep well.  I am thinking they got sick from dinner.  But Jodie says she worried all night about me.  I tell her how happy I am and how much peace I feel, hopefully I can help others feel the peace I feel.  I know there are a lot of people that need to be updated, but I don't really feel like I can just send a text or email.  So I spend a lot of my day on the phone. 

June 27th Wednesday - The surgery is set for Friday July 6.  I get a call from Dr. Gilbert, the blood work is back.  It seems there are a few tests they have done to check the function of my thyroid.  All of them show that mine is not working at all.  In fact, for one of the tests "Normal" is 0-10, I am at...500.  So nothing about it seems to be working.  We discuss how that will affect the surgery.  Since one side of the thyroid seems to have cancer and the other side is not functioning we decide we will just take the entire thyroid out.  This will cut the length of the surgery, but lengthen the outpatient time.  

I still feel happy, and at peace with this whole thing.  I know that in the end everything will be okay.  Now I know that the middle is gonna be kinda yucky, but I will be good in the end.  What is  there not to be happy about?

Sunday July 1st, I still feel good about what is happening I have asked myself and others if maybe I just don't understand what is happening, but I believe in my heart that I do, and Heavenly Father is giving me Peace and my Savior is giving me the comfort I need.    

But it is Sunday and Fast Sunday to boot.  I can feel my emotions (the not happy ones) come to the surface, ready to come out.  Most of the day I can do okay, but every once in awhile I can feel the nerves come when someone who knows says something.  Still there is so much peace.

Peace, I love that word.

here it is..maybe

Okay so here it is...or here is what it may be.  Cancer.  There I said it.

How did I get here?  There is plenty that has happened, but maybe I will start with the cough.

The end of March the beginning of April, I got a bad cough, and was very tired, but nothing to bad.  One day I was doing who knows what, I noticed a lump at the base of my neck, at the middle of my collarbone.  I figured it was just swollen from the cough, but knowing that Dad had thyroid cancer, is always at the back of my mind. I kept checking that lump and it never went away.

Fast forward to June 15, 2012.  I decided to have it looked at, and as luck would have it the Dr.'s office had an opening that day.  So off I go to the Dr. ... Surprise I had gained weight....again.  Both the Dr and his Physician’s Assistant could not feel anything.  But, the Dr. decided that I should get a CT Scan, and they got me an appointment for the following Monday (June 18th).

As I fill out paperwork at the hospital and they ask me for a down payment of $300+ I am cursing my hypochondria and seriously think about not doing it, but I do it anyway.  The scan only takes a few minutes, and with a Disc of the scanned images and 2 bottles of water I head off to work and make it by 9:30, trying not to think about the money I just threw away.  Before noon I get a call from the Dr.'s office saying the scan found a mass on my thyroid and they were sending me to a specialist to have a biopsy.

Yup - biopsy.  Yuck, that sounds awful!  I have an appointment with a new Dr. on June 20th.  I am terrified, I know I am pretty strong and can handle a lot of pain, but watching someone come at my neck with needles, that is just plain nasty.  I looked up the Dr that would be doing it and to my surprise I know this Dr. My appointment is with Dr. Davis, the former stake president when I lived with Mom and Dad.  A wave of peace came over me.  If I was going to survive, no do okay with someone coming at my neck with needles this is the guy.  He is so kind and gentle, this will be okay, oh and Jodie is going with me to hold my hand if I need it.

I ask Phil and Rod for a blessing.  I don't really remember much of it, but I remember Phil saying, you will return to full heath, and I am thinking wait when was not in full health.  Does that mean something?  

June 20th is here.  We are finally sitting in the office and the Dr. comes in.  He gives me a copy of the CT Scan findings and we begin to discuss what is happening.  I have a 3.0x3.2x4.8 cm complex mass on my thyroid.  This could mean lots of things.  Least of which is my thyroid is not working that well to worst case, thyroid cancer.  Dr. Davis is very kind as we go through all the things that could be wrong and all the things that I can do.  Cancer is mentioned but with very little likelihood.  The biopsy is also mentioned with little likelihood.   We also discuss the fact that Dad had thyroid cancer, and how that adds to the decision process.  Then we discuss insurance.  Lovely insurance, now it is time to go to a Dr. that practices in a hospital that my insurance covers.

Off we go again.  Monday June 25th.  Jackie came with me this time.   Again we discuss what is happening, this time it's a bit different.  Dr. Gilbert has looked at the disc with the scan images and that seems to have made all the difference.  We talk about the immediate course of action that can be taken.  He mentions the word biopsy and panic sets in.   But following the word he says he doesn't see a need for it.   So I take a breath and we continue.

The other word comes up...cancer, for a few moments there is no air in the room, I can breath but am not sure if it is a good idea, I can't really think right now.  I have to slow things down so I can understand how we went from very little likelihood to the thing we seem to be discussing as the most likely scenario.  Cancer seems to be the reality.  That's about all I understand.  Cancer. 

The moment passed and I am breathing again.  We are still talking, and I am still here.  So now I am really trying the best I can to understand what we are talking about.  Dr. Gilbert tells me the mass is large and embedded in my thyroid and he will have to take the right half of it out, then while I am out   (that is important to me) they will biopsy that side if it comes back with no cancer they will close me up and hope the rest of the thyroid will function and /or I will be on medication the rest of my life.    If the biopsy comes back with cancer, they will take out the rest of the thyroid I will be on medication the rest of my life, but with more complications.  I will have to get cancer check ups fairly often, for several years to forever.  Jackie asks about the kind of "therapy", really why is she asking that, I think.  The Dr. answers "radiation", oh, yes, we are still taking cancer.  It will be about 6 months before we a start "therapy" aka radiation.  It will be given in iodine so it will only target the thyroid area.  The down side is that when I am doing "therapy" aka radiation I am actually radioactive, and I can't be around people.  Wait, I am quoting Gabbie, "Ewww, I hate people", maybe I don't hate them as much as I thought.

Listen, Listen...still cancer.  Dr. Gilbert tells me he believes I need to prepare for cancer.  That is what it looks like to him.  I know there is air, because I am breathing.  

Now we are back to discussing the surgery, not cancer but all the other things that could happen during surgery.  Damaging vocal chords, (Hey - Ash was saying she was gonna slip some $$ to the Dr to do that anyway, that is convenient) nerve damage, any number of fun stuff, but not the cancer so I am okay.  He wants to check my vocal chords to insure they are in working condition.  It seems to mean he is sticking something down my throat.  I am getting nervous, it seems nasty, but with what has happened in this room the last 20 minutes, this can't be that bad right?   It's not fun and feels like bad sinus pressure, then Dr Gilbert tells a joke....What is the difference between broccoli and boogies? You have to pay kids to eat broccoli.  How am I supposed to laugh with this thing going down my nose and throat, but it is funny, so I am laughing.  

I ask Dr. Gilbert about the lump I have felt, this is not the lump the CT scan found, it's just a displaced gland.  Just an odd displaced gland, I know that can't be.  This odd displaced gland is what got me in here.  In my heart I know that odd displaced gland is a sign from Heavenly Father.  I have no doubt that gland may have saved my life.

Jackie and I go to the hospital to get some blood tests done, I guess shock is what is happening.  I feel like I need to tell people, but I don't know how to tell them.  I know we make some calls and texts, but not really sure Who all we talked or what got said, just it got done and that by now I am feeling okay.  I know we have been talking cancer, but I don't really feel like it affects me.  That is odd huh?

When we finish Jackie and I decide to go to eat, Jodie may meet us, but I don't think so.  Jackie and I are in separate cars so while I drive I make a call.  Jody, my Jody.  I start to tell her what is happening and she is just quietly listening.  Talking to her I start to cry.  Is it just hitting me?  No, I was in the room when the air disappeared.  But just talking to her, I can finally cry.  We are at the restaurant, and I am done crying.  We go in sit down, Jodie calls and has Jackie order a salad for her, and I am surprised I thought she wasn't coming.  Jackie said she just read her text and texted back "Shit".   It's Monday night, which means Jodie is missing "White Trash Night" with her family, that is sacred time, oh crap, this is serious.  But I don't feel sad; scared, unsure, nervous, of course, but sad no, I am just not feeling in right now.

Walking...

That is what I did this morning.  Walked around the neighborhood amazingly i am still alive.  It was almost enjoyable.  I know what that it would be really helpful if I get shoes that are comfortable.  I can walk a bit every night.  Its not that painful, just need to do it....is that where Nike got the phrase?  Let's see if I can keep it up

I got on the scale this morning...Surprise nothing changed over night.  This is the highest I have ever been, I feel yucky about myself.

Gotta try

I am feeling so large, and not at all at peace with it.  I know I need to lose weight, I just am not sure how to start.  I really want the changes to be permanent.  I want to be healthy and I want to be able to be the best me I can be.  


But truthfully, I look around and what others are going through and I feel selfish to even be thinking about myself. 


I know it's odd, but I never feel like I should be thinking about myself.  I guess that is the whole problem.  I never want to think about myself.   It's not that I want to be completely invisible, but I just would rather think of someone else.  I guess my body has reached a point I am forced to think about myself for a bit.  This probably makes no sense to anyone, but I really think it is time to focus more on myself.  Let's see if it works.